My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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