gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize