how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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