when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
