She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize