Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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