Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
