I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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