I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
