its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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