I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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