Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize