recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize