I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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