I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I want to be your penis for a week.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
