well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
