Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
50% drunk capacity currently
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
