I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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