Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
