M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
