Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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