I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
