She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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