I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
