Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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