hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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