I want to walk on stilts...naked
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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