I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
