'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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