She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
