god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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