I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
