i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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