I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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