I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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