Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
