I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
