I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
