Soap is not a condiment
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
