I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
