I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
They have beer where we have blood.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I deserve this hangover.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
