Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
