I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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