Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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