his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
