Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
