I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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