the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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