So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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