Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
