I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Randomize
