Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
