She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
