I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
