its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
