At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize