Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
