mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And then my night got REAL pukey
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
