My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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