Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize