just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
