Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize