I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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