its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
