i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
