My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize