Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
