Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
